Dear Gabriel

My dearest Gabriel,




Thank you for 7 years of bliss. Where Maui acted as my companion and muse, you were my buoy. You gave me more than I can possibly thank you for. Caring for you was a great honor and it completely changed my life. Wow, do I love you. My heart will always carry you around with me wherever I go until we meet again. This time, death lost the chance to rob me of the joy of remembering. Thank you, Lord, and thank you, Gabriel.




I love you. I love you. I love you.

Dear Maui ...




I miss you. Sorry I missed your birthday last year, but I haven't forgotten you, it's just that getting over you broke me. I didn't forget your birthday this year either, it's just that I'm still broken. Little Man, I am freaking tired inside.


My heart is broken, again. This time it's Gabriel. He died a block from where you and I lived. Isn't that something? I won't linger on the subject because I know you hate other cats.


I just found a 20 year old photo of me dangling you like a garment.


There's another Maui now. Maui Thon Cormac. His name was Cormac when I brought him home from the shelter, and the Thon part is because he never stops running around, he's a distance marathoner. So, anyway, I named a foster cat after you and I have a photo of him nuzzling our photo. Look, Little Man, I can't feel anymore but I'll never forget you. I have our photo next to Gabriel's photo. One day I'll see you again and we can carry on. Just be warned, you have three brothers, Zeener, Harry, Gabriel, and now Maui and who knows who else...I can honestly say I want Maui to be the last cat...but that's another post. I know you hate other cats but, really, what am I supposed to do about that?


Maui, I don't know what's going on. I have a concerning spot on my lung. And I'm not in the mood to care too much, I don't have it in me to fight, in case. Anyway, I want you to see Maui nuzzling our photo.


I know you can take it because, presumably, when you entered heaven your jealous side resolved.


I love you, nuzzlebutt, I will never forget you and I often think about the best times we had, like the time you protected me from that weird looking lizard by sleeping on me all night, or the time you waited on the curb for me when I drove off in pain to get some Tylenol. Or the times I dangled you to the mailbox and back. Or the times we carried on long conversations in the middle of the night outside, you over the fence, talking back to me in funny almost human syllables. I will never forget you, only get numb. I love you, nuzzlebutt, you can count on that. I hope I see you very soon.

with eternal love,
your loving human


PS, I drive my motorcycle around the street where we used to live and look fondly at the house we shared. We had some great times, cat of my youth, and how I do miss you, Maui. All my love to you, sweet boy.


PSS, I feel like writing more to you. I need someone impartial who loves me. And everyone knows a dead cat listens well nor judges harshly.


my love.

Dear Maui,

Hi boy. I'm late with your letter. Gabriel is ill. I'm trying to get him well. I've decided that instead of writing an annual love letter to you that writing a letter to you whenever I need to is a better idea.

I think the reason its so hard with Gabriel now is because it was so hard with you. So I have something to compare. Fuck. But the thing is, I would do it all over again if I had the chance. You know, go through the goodbye just to have the precious joy of knowing such a regal, intelligent creature.  Your name is Maui Onion, and I love you after all these years.

your devoted human,
me

Happy Birthday, nuzzlebutt!

Happy Birthday, nuzzlebutt!

Don't worry, you're still the one.

I'm smiling again, finally.. recalling the way we used to walk to the mailbox together every day, you dangling from my arm, just bouncing along for the ride. I was so proud of you - you were such a stud, and I was hot...We made a good girl and her cat, didn't we, little buddy?

I'm thinking about how you would always wait while I opened the mail box, then as soon as I had the mail in hand you'd blast off like a rocket across the lawn and up the tree just to impress me. Oh Maui!

Remember when I had that root canal done and that stupid. creepy dentist wouldn't give me pain meds and you laid in bed with me for days until I finally decided to break down and go buy tylenol from CVS...and you walked outside with me and watched me drive off? I can still see you sitting on the curb waiting for me to arrive back home. Just waiting. Like a dog.  You were so much more than a cat - little Maui, you were an ERA, a time and place, a series of remarkable events spanning 10 years.

Shit, I'm getting older Maui. And I'm not hot anymore, I'm "Mature"... I have a 14 year old cat who's hotter than I am. But hey, I'm told that I'll get a new body in heaven. Or maybe God is going to put me in a big, stocky body as, you know - as a little practical joke, I don't know. But whatever, as long as you're there with Jesus, I'm good.

I wonder what the world thinks of these crazy letters to my dead cat, Maui, and I wonder if you're even getting these letters. It's okay if you're not reading them...you're a busy boy up there, over there, in there - you know, in heaven.  I think a lot about what you've been doing the past 7 years, and I guess I do have one question to ask...when you try spraying God does it come out as glitter and song? Just wondering.

Well, I need to go. Gabriel is crying for attention. His meows are up to 3 syllables now, and constant. It's actually Very annoying. And he sounds a lot like you lately. Sometimes I think all cats are part of one great big giant cat entity, like pieces of a puzzle that God made; it's thoughts like this that help me to express that this is the only possible way I can really love any cat as much as I loved you, because I wouldn't dare love another cat the way I loved you.

I gotta go little nuzzlebut, life is calling, but I'm about to publish this letter. With all sincerity, I pray that God will transcribe this to you. I miss you.

See you later, sweetheart.

love,

your human

Dear Sweet Maui

I'm not in the mood this year. Remember how you used to spray me when you felt like it, just because you could? I feel like spraying.

I love you and miss you.

I'll say it again. I love you and miss you. You will always be "the one".  It's always going to be you, the one I loved the most.

I really miss you. I really love you. 

your human

happy birthday nuzzleface ...

Oh Maui, I almost forgot that April 30th is the day I said goodbye to you. I almost missed the chance to honor your memory.

But whatever. I know you can't hear me. It's not like you could read when you were alive.

Yet I feel compelled not only to wish you well, but to do so several days in advance because I'm so busy that I barely remembered that it's That Time Of The Year again.

I have to go. Gabriel just flung chunks of litter embedded with fecal matter across the carpet again and I have to run the vacuum for the 3rd time today. And I found a 5 inch long hairball dripping with mucous displayed in all its glory on my favorite blankie.

I think about you almost every day.

"Almost". Thankfully you cannot retaliate with one of your jealous territorial urine sprees. Actually, I wish you could. I would love to be inconvenienced by your bad behavior one more time. You redefined naughty with a charm that permanently carved out a place in my heart for enternity.

I am blessed by the memories of our time on earth, and I miss you, nuzzleface. Happy birthday, sweetheart.

your human

PS, I may feel compelled to edit this post on April 30th just to be sure you get the message.

I love you.