you make me crazy

My latest mental trick is to stare out my window at the cars passing by, watching the sun's glimmer reflect off various parts of the passing cars; in my grieved, childlike imagination I've hoped that, maybe, if I stare long enough that the light will somehow break apart like a big bang and reform the molecules that made up my cat. It's not as though I'm surprised this hasn't happened, yet it's disappointing when it doesn't work.

Before that trick I tried purchasing a lot of DVDs hoping that by immersing myself in fantasy and theatrics that maybe I'd get so lost that when I finally got found I'd find him lying in his favorite spot in my bedroom looking at me like he thought I'd lost my mind. In 4 months I've purchased over 100 new and used DVDs. CVS has $1.99 movies, some of them very good.

iTunes has made a bundle off of me. Never shop when you're grieving or starved. They saw me coming. I've tried to apply the same principle as I did with the cars; downloading music and reminiscing deeply while staring off into his photos, hoping for a star trek like trick to materialize his body back here.

Posting this sort of thing is = to declaring oneself insane, I know. I'm OK with that. There's far more and I'd love to go on but he's not coming back no matter how sane or insane my reality is, no matter how much I want.
Ever.

Maui, 1997, in a photo with a woman named Chris, who was unknowingly given
charge over the abandoned kitten until I happened along 1 year later

Photo shopped Maui -
I don't really have regrets. But I truly regret that this photo of Maui wasn't a higher resolution. That I regret. I really do

Birthday Card from an ex co-worker and current friend - 2000

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One of my favorite's because his eyes always twinkled a lot when he
was near his food bowls
Drippy sweet, lovable Maui - August 2003

Yes, please. I'll have some Purina One, Salmon with my Keats. Thank you.