you make me crazy

My latest mental trick is to stare out my window at the cars passing by, watching the sun's glimmer reflect off various parts of the passing cars; in my grieved, childlike imagination I've hoped that, maybe, if I stare long enough that the light will somehow break apart like a big bang and reform the molecules that made up my cat. It's not as though I'm surprised this hasn't happened, yet it's disappointing when it doesn't work.

Before that trick I tried purchasing a lot of DVDs hoping that by immersing myself in fantasy and theatrics that maybe I'd get so lost that when I finally got found I'd find him lying in his favorite spot in my bedroom looking at me like he thought I'd lost my mind. In 4 months I've purchased over 100 new and used DVDs. CVS has $1.99 movies, some of them very good.

iTunes has made a bundle off of me. Never shop when you're grieving or starved. They saw me coming. I've tried to apply the same principle as I did with the cars; downloading music and reminiscing deeply while staring off into his photos, hoping for a star trek like trick to materialize his body back here.

Posting this sort of thing is = to declaring oneself insane, I know. I'm OK with that. There's far more and I'd love to go on but he's not coming back no matter how sane or insane my reality is, no matter how much I want.
Ever.

Maui, 1997, in a photo with a woman named Chris, who was unknowingly given
charge over the abandoned kitten until I happened along 1 year later

Photo shopped Maui -
I don't really have regrets. But I truly regret that this photo of Maui wasn't a higher resolution. That I regret. I really do

Birthday Card from an ex co-worker and current friend - 2000

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One of my favorite's because his eyes always twinkled a lot when he
was near his food bowls
Drippy sweet, lovable Maui - August 2003

Yes, please. I'll have some Purina One, Salmon with my Keats. Thank you.

Little Harry at 6 months

I love things about Harry. I love that he's fluffy and warm, and he can be picked up and transported to any place and just left to sit. he's like clay being molded. I love watching him run and play. he is like a feather floating slowly back down to earth. he is like light being captured as a streak in a photograph. He has beautiful eyes and his coat is as silky as any surface known. His paws are too big for his body - those paws with tufts of chocolate brown fur jutting out. he has yet to grow into those big paws. I love that. And on the legs that own those big paws are longer cream colored hairs just starting to grow out. I love that too. He hangs limp and accepts being twisted into a pretzel, dangled and folded. In the morning he sails through the air and lands on my neck. Sometimes I wake to find a nose being burrowed into my face. I love that about Harry.

He has a lot of toys, but his favorite toy is a ball almost as hairy as he is that he likes to stalk, and then parade like prey around the house. I love the way his head hangs low like a hunter, hairy ball in mouth. Harry is like the dessert tray you see carted around in expensive restaurants: there are so many flavors and textures and varieties of different creme and chocolate desserts on that 6 month old kitten. I love that his body weight has increased by 20%, and soon that 20% will be 50%, and soon that 50% will be a part of 100%; Death by Chocolate. Harry is a dessert tray and I want to eat them all whole.

I love that Harry loves every human being he meets equally, and favors not a one. No not even myself. He is one with everyone and everything and everyone and everything is one with him. this is Harry's being and it makes him both unattainable and aloof, and completely irresistible. Harry is as aloof as any cat I have ever encountered. his eyes don't settle on any one person for too long. Harry is irresistible. He is no one individual's cat - he connects only with his greater purpose. He exists. He is a part of everyone and everything, part of the collective. And that's why I love Harry Bezalel. I love him simply, and only, because he exists and breathes air. I am grateful for Harry.

Maui was simply, and only, mine. he loved no one and nothing else - and it was that way from the first day he came to possess me. I was madly in love with a being who needed that kind of love. I am still madly in love. And always will be.

cell phone photo of a little 5 month old Harry. he arrived at his new home on July 4th, 2007 weighing in at 4lbs. he was listed as "DSH" by the shelter folks. DSH in cat speak means domestic shorthair. uh, the 3 inch long hair screaming from his bushy tail might have been a clue.

just look at him!

Me and Maui, 2005 - still in love after all those years. He was the most content,
loving cat on the face of the earth.

Me and Maui, 1998

I was dressing up for Halloween, as a witch; Breaking news! alert the press! That is not my hair. Though it might be a step up at this point. I have no excuse (explanation) for the pose. The point of the photo is, of course, that he is in it, dangling. He loved to be carted around, dangled that way, from place to place. I've always wondered what Maui might have looked like as a small kitten. I think I found out. I want to post that photo.

Some people who shall remain ineffective have said "You really need to stop this and move on", "Quit looking at his photos and go take photos", "There's support groups..." etc. You know - why bother with me at all!? It's pointless to talk to me about the issue because (the sound of their own voices may seem intelligible to their own ears but) all I can actually hear when they say things like this is an adult mumbling in Peanut's world. Shoo! Leave me be and let me have my weird and mournful little world. I have food and water here.