My latest mental trick is to stare out my window at the cars passing by, watching the sun's glimmer reflect off various parts of the passing cars; in my grieved, childlike imagination I've hoped that, maybe, if I stare long enough that the light will somehow break apart like a big bang and reform the molecules that made up my cat. It's not as though I'm surprised this hasn't happened, yet it's disappointing when it doesn't work.
Before that trick I tried purchasing a lot of DVDs hoping that by immersing myself in fantasy and theatrics that maybe I'd get so lost that when I finally got found I'd find him lying in his favorite spot in my bedroom looking at me like he thought I'd lost my mind. In 4 months I've purchased over 100 new and used DVDs. CVS has $1.99 movies, some of them very good.
iTunes has made a bundle off of me. Never shop when you're grieving or starved. They saw me coming. I've tried to apply the same principle as I did with the cars; downloading music and reminiscing deeply while staring off into his photos, hoping for a star trek like trick to materialize his body back here.
Posting this sort of thing is = to declaring oneself insane, I know. I'm OK with that. There's far more and I'd love to go on but he's not coming back no matter how sane or insane my reality is, no matter how much I want.
Ever.
Maui, 1997, in a photo with a woman named Chris, who was unknowingly given
charge over the abandoned kitten until I happened along 1 year later
Photo shopped Maui -
I don't really have regrets. But I truly regret that this photo of Maui wasn't a higher resolution. That I regret. I really do
Birthday Card from an ex co-worker and current friend - 2000 _
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One of my favorite's because his eyes always twinkled a lot when hewas near his food bowls
Drippy sweet, lovable Maui - August 2003 
Yes, please. I'll have some Purina One, Salmon with my Keats. Thank you.
